I know what you’re thinking. “She chickened out. She gave up on bikram, gave up on blogging, gave up on herself. She’s quite a flaky one that one!” . Hell, I even thought that myself for the past few weeks. I was upset with myself and everyone else for that matter. The truth, however, is a little more complicated than that.
So I’ll start at the beginning… which is basically the end of class #14. Remember I was telling you a little something about itching on my arms and legs? Well, it got from worse to a complete nightmare. Big, red, blotches on my arms kept staring back at me, urging me to sink my nails into them. I seriously wanted to rip my skin off. In fact, the image of slowly peeling my skin off was the only image in my head throughout #14. I was in my very own horror flick. And I wasn’t the blonde bimbo that’s usually the only one left alive by the end of it. No. I was the slightly overweight brunette that ends up being torn limb from limb by a masked psycho, as a result of investigating things in the dark.
My lovely instructor, Jenny, noticed my torment and constant fidgeting and, of course, my horrible scaly arms and asked to speak to me after class. She told me her daughter was bothered by the same thing, except her back was the one riddled with them: all triggered by an allergy to wheat, made worse by sugar. She was kind enough to give me a few pointers with regards to what to stay away from, and what I could eat instead. She encouraged me saying that if I could do the 60 days challenge, staying away from wheat and sugar will be easy! And she was right! .. but not entirely.
I hadn’t eaten that Saturday as I did the morning class, and so, of course I could start cutting off the terrible twos that very same day. And so I did. Off to the market I went, bought wheat and yeast free bread, buckwheat noodles and lots of fruit and veggies. I was encouraged and ready for a new day. That is, until, Sunday came.
I actually don’t know how I got through class #15. I think I must have blocked out most of it. It’s safe to say, it was not a pleasure. The itching kept bothering me in the worst possible way. I kept seeing myself in the mirror, all covered in red, disgusting blotches. And I cried. Hiding my tears behind the many beads of sweat. I cried. I knew it would take some time before the rash would go away, but it didn’t get better at all, even if just a little bit. Just when I thought it could not get any worse, it did. Right after showering, they started bleeding. Right. Panic officially had set in.
Monday morning I had scheduled an appointment with a doctor. I needed this to go away. And fast. And then the news came. I had a pretty advanced case of eczema. It wasn’t serious, but well it kinda was. He prescribed me a serious amount of steroid cream, which I was to apply for two weeks, twice a day. And I was to stay away from any activity that might make me overheat in any way. In a complete dumb moment, I asked “So, I guess Bikram Yoga is off the table then?” . He laughed a little and nodded for confirmation. Well, I was glad to be there for his amusement anyways.
Monday was my “rest” day anyways, so I could be in denial for 18 more hours, right? I bought the cream and went home to, quite literally, mind my wounds. Safe to say, the moment I applied the treatment felt like a cool, refreshing shower after a really hot day. Blissful. It then dawned on me, I needed to quit. And I was seriously pissed off because of it. I kept thinking this happens all the time with any sort of physical activity. When I was in school, I tried my luck at basketball only to break my nose. I also tried gymnastics around the same period. They left me with two broken fingers. Roller skating nearly broke my back in high-school. And aerobics left me with a twisted knee. And now this. ”Steer clear of Sabina everyone, she has eczema as a result of yoga” ; Great. I am good at absolutely nothing.
Safe to say I cried again. And again. And then simply avoided facing the truth until today actually (nearly three weeks later), when I can finally muster up the determination to actually write about this. My skin finally cleared up on my arms, I’ve just a little left on my legs but it definitely does not itch anymore. Not a single yoga class in 3 weeks either. I know I’m not supposed to give up on myself and bla bla.. I know the speech. I’ve accepted however that after a class I am supposed to feel better, not worse. I’m supposed to be able to focus on the inside. Impossible task with all that going on the outside.
And so there’s a few bad things that I’ve to admit to myself. I’ve quit the challenge. Yes. I’m a little apprehensive about going to a class again. Yes. I have avoided blogging or facing failure. Yes.
But there are also some good that came as a result of this. I’m off wheat and sugar for nearly three weeks now. Yes. (aside from some cake and ice-cream I had on my birthday – allowed!) I am around 98% cured of nasty eczema. Yes. I have finally been able to just come out and tell you all this, which is a big step for me, considering I usually just run and deny failure. Yes.
And looking back at all that has happened lately, I can safely say that the bad things are definitely outweighed by the good. Here’s to dusting yourself off and picking yourself up!
Hey Sabina!
I don’t think you have failed at all, you have hit a bump in the road sure, but you are getting back up and dusting yourself down, ready for more. I hope your skin is all cleared up now, I don’t think people understand these conditions if they don’t suffer from them, they don’t see just how self-conscious they make you, but well done for getting on with things, you are getting there slowly. Quitting something doesn’t always mean failure, sometimes it just means having the strength to know when to walk away!
I hope you feel better soon, and don’t feel bad about not blogging constantly, we all need a break. In saying that I only started blogging yesterday, but still, sometimes life takes over….your blog will still be here when life calms down! 
Lots of love,
Claire xx
Oh , thank you so much for the kind words! You are in fact, completely right. It’s just that I think it’s a natural process isn’t it? beating yourself up about things that you’re not able to do
I do feel better now and I will try again , maybe this, maybe something else. But I’m not giving up 
You are welcome, it takes time to get there and so what if some of us take the scenic route, we get there in the end don’t we? Good luck! xx
Reblogged this on Push Dump Fat Button.
Thank you for reblogging this ! <3
Hey chica! I love the way you write!….And we need the turbulent times that keep us of the pages so that later on when they are over we can fill those same pages with the goodness of it all! I have a great respect for your determination, I wouldn’t have lasted even half of the time you did…so well done! It only comes to show you have a great power inside you, it just needs to find the right outlet, and maybe this is not it, but that’s pretty cool, you’ll find it, just keep going! Here’s to dusting yourself off and picking yourself up Indeed!
Awh, thanks so much for the kind words girl. Just wanted to say you DID last more than me last year and that was simply fantastic of you
As for me, I’m probably going to give it another few weeks before attempting bikram again. But I am taking up running again, which will be fantastic. Especially with the weather being as gorgeous as it has been lately! You know.. never giving up! haha..
YAY! So glad to have you back blogging!!!
About the skin: I’m so glad you went to the doc and got some steroids. Itching leads to insanity (I’m pretty sure that SCIENCE will back that up…). If I had itchy skin that made me crazy, there is NO WAY I would continue to go to class. Sure, maybe an argument can be made that if you can persevere through that, you can make it through anything. But DAMN. The class is hard enough without wanting to remove your skin with your fingernails.
So, about the challenge: There were extenuating circumstances that no person would be expected to make it through. While I understand that you were feeling some guilt and shame around postponing this challenge, I think that you made the wise choice – a choice to take care of yourself – which is what we learn to do in Bikram anyways. We learn to push when we can and ride the edge when we can… and sometimes we have to lay down. With luck, this will only be a pause in your practice… not a break.
I’m thinking good thoughts for you.
xo
Awh thank you so much for your kind words and understanding exactly what I’ve been going through. Sadly when this thing breaks out, the only way to stop it is to stop what you’re doing and apply that friggin’ cream until you’re a well greased up goose! haha.. I got worried at the point where I wanted to seriously hurt myself, I realized my brain is not working the way it should right now, clearly! So I’m glad I decided to stop for a while, although it’s kind of sad not to know when I’ll be able to pick it up again. Time will tell , as they say.
much love from this side of the ocean xx
Duuuude. You’ve heard people say that yoga is the only subject where the subject is not the object, right? The body is the object? (And if not, try saying it three times fast!)
So here’s the deal: we don’t practice yoga to be able to perform pretty poses. We don’t do challenges to tick something off a list of accomplishments.
We do yoga to keep our bodies healthy. We do challenges because more yoga = more healthy. But at the moment, doing yoga isn’t making your body healthy. It’s making your body all itchy and red and sad. So quitting the challenge in order to look after your body? That’s yoga.
I know it sucks. I know it really, REALLY sucks. And I thoroughly encourage tantrums and sookiness and general exclamations of “but it’s not faaaaaaair!” in situations like this. But please remember that you haven’t failed. At all. You’ve looked after your own wellbeing. That’s the ONLY thing we have to do in yoga.
And now for practical solutions: Did you know you can buy Bikram CDs? It’s basically a full class on disc – Bikram giving the asana instructions for 90 minutes. It might be worth looking into – you can practice at home to keep yourself sane, but it’s a cooler environment so it won’t exacerbate your skin
Oh man, these words coming from you have really put me at ease. You and your blog was so inspiring to me and it’s what got me to do the challenge so your acknowledgement actually means a lot !! I know exactly what you mean about keeping our bodies sound and healthy and that’s exactly why I decided to take a break from it. I didn’t know you could actually practice Bikram without the 40degrees madness, but I will certainly give the CDs a purchase
thanks again for the kind words .. we have hope in a greater tomorrow
Oh hon, you honestly made me tear up. I keep going back and forth between “thank you SO MUCH” and “…wait, what? I’m just someone who writes waaaay too much about crying in class!”
But regardless, I am truly in awe/proud of you for recognising what your body needed and choosing to take care of it. AND for opening up and writing about it! Both of those things? Really freaking hard for the ego. Really amazingly good for your own wellbeing.
I’d absolutely recommend getting the CD – I actually love doing a class at home every now and again. The lack of heat means that I have to be much more mindful of what I’m doing to prevent over-stretching, but it also means I can concentrate more deeply. So as a result my depth isn’t as… deep?… but my form is much better than in-class. It’s also a good time to play around with poses and fix minor details that you don’t always have time to notice in class. A few of my local studios sell the CD, so it might be worth calling the studios around you to ask? Would be quicker than waiting on postage from America!
Also, chocolate. I thoroughly recommend chocolate.